The things I actullay have written here,susprising myself!!!!

I love this pic,even thoe I thinkI look tired in it.I hope everyone is doing good.Ii am hanging in there.My mom is having a good day,she is having company right now,which,I am glad,she needs it.They say she will be getting out on the 25th of this month,if she keeps up the good work,keeps progressing and not having a bad moment,like she did the other night,which,kinda scard me.She cant be upset,I cant upset her,when I got off the phone with her the other night,I finally let it all out,than my Sis called,my mom asked me if I told her to call,I didn't tell her to call,think she was just checking in on things,while she is at Bible Camp,till Friday.She is a wonderful Sister,doesall she can do for her family,for anyone.I am trying so hard to change my life around,it is hard,it is hard being a good person,a good Christian,trying to love the Lord,trying to see the good in things in this world.I am trying so hard not to fall apart,not to giving up,let me tell you,its not easy,specillay when I am feeling so alone,it hurts,its not so easy making friends.I am thinking,I am susposed to be this way,alone.Maybe not,thinking,God has someone for me,I am talking about a Godly CHristian friend,thats what I am praying for,not to get married to,someone to talk to,hang out with,have fun withdont even know what that's like.I hate depression,hate feeling depressed,sometime,think it is still all in my head,that,I am just being so utterly alone and not depressed.

Is it so hard to wake up feeling ok and go to bed feeling ok?I hate it!!Sometimes I think I am getting some of life back,my hobbies.I DONT WANT TO BE THIS AU ANYMORE!!!Don't mind me,I am just talkingtrying to get it all out,isnt that what they say,is the best thing you can do,to let things go?You tink I need a shrink?I might talk to one of my friends from church tommrow night,whos picking me up,shes my Sunday School Teacher.Do you ever think,I will be happy?Why is it bothering me so much to being happy?I hate that word to.I never thought,guess,I said this before,that life could change so much.Changing so much after my Dad passed.Belive me,I know its a choice of being happy,just don't know how to do it?How do you do it?When will my life begin?My Sis wants me to be happy,she wants me to have a Godly Christian life,which I am trying,why woul God want someone who has made so many mistakes and still making them?There is something that I would love to just be friends with,I honestly don't think I am in love with him,he is always there for me,I thnk of him more than a bestfriend than a boyfriend,I think that is whats stoping me from being happy,hes not a bad guy,I don't know how to tell him,how I feel,because for one,dont think he would listen,than again,I think I need him in my life to do certain things,take me places.Wow,just actullay writing,is jus making me really see things in light,I have been praying about this,which my Sis wants me to,okay,I am talking about Gary.How do you know if you really love a person?We say we love eachother,everday  we see one another or talk on the phone.I am afraid things wnt go right if I were to break up,which I have before.I just don't know anymore.But,I think I am actulay finally,telling myself the truth.I don't feel good about myself,I don't think I am pretty.We have all been there before,havent we?Anyways,I am going to stop here,I am getting tired,about to fall asleep.Thanks for listning to me.I love you guys.One more thing before I go,it is kinda nice having the house to myself,not worring going back and forth helping mom,even thoe,you know,I love my mom and eant her home and will have to do it again.I will do it,becase I love her and want her home,so does Teddy,you don't know how much that dog misses his Master.He waits by the front door,waiting for her to come home,sleeps by her bedroom door,at night,he does sleep with me,I think hes getting tired of me.LOL.But I know he loves me,I just have to give him lots of TLC.Would like to have your input on everything here.Be safe and kool out there.Peace out!!!!!Actullay,even feeling better about talking about all of this.