Letting go,will contiue to let go,til my heart heals.

Hi Everyone,

                  I hope and pray that you all is doing good.I am sitting here,wide awake,dont know when I will be going to sleep.LOL.So,I felt like I needed to come here and like always vent,all of you are always such good listners and I thank you for always being there when I need you.I am starting to relizing a lot of things in my life,even thoe,I am still so scared to let go,venture on my own.I never thought of loosing my Dad,I do know Hes in a good place and He provided for His family.Mom and I wouldn't be were we are today if it wasn't for my Dad being a hard worker all His life,He wasn't perfect,but,He was in my eyes,even thoe we weren't close,I knew He loved me,He didn't always tell me and I didn't always tell Him,but,it was often said.Life changes right before your very own eyes,that you never thought could ever happened,remembering like it was yesterday.Maybe I don't want to be happy,when I am alwas talking about being happy,always stuck in the past,made a lot of mistakes,wishing I could do it over again,but,doesnt everyone?I am tired oftrying to pleasing everyone,it doesn't get no were.This one person,sure you all probllay heard me talk about before,my Sister N Law,Tj,long story,I thought that maybe Her and I could become friends again,but,dont think that's ever possible.I want the best for Her,want Her to be happy,I am sure that if I needed something,she would be there for me,but,I know,both her and I,dont trust one another.I will be honest with you all,its hard being happy,why should I be happy?Do I deserve to be happy?I put a big front on.I just don't know how to stop being so scared of life,letting go,just having fun.Am I lonely?Yes,I don't know how to make a friend anymore,its not like Highschool,even than was hard,but not a hard as now.I am older and things change.Maybe I am really not depressed,I am just sad,I don't know,you tell me?I know that my Mom and my Sister,says,I am not depressed,I am just lonely,so,why does my heart hurt?Why does my heart ache?Why do I feel like giving up.but,I cant and I wont,because,it would kill my family.I just don't understand why things wont go my way?I think I am going to stop here,I have alotmore to say,but,I think I am actullay falling asleep.Thank you for taking the time to read this.I love you all.Be safe and kool out there,Peaceout!!!!