Life is changing rght before my eyes.

Hey guys whats up?

                            I hope that everyone is doing great.Its been a very wild roller coaster ride and I am still kinda going on it.For once,I would just like to live a happy normal life and stop feeling so dead inside,empty.I want to stop feeling so negative about my life,beause my life could be a lot more worse than it is,yet,I keep still thinking on the negative side,when I have friends who are more ill than I am.Am I going through a mid life crises?LOL.I am in my 40s,but if I am,I been like this for a long time.I think most of it has to do to the fact that,you all know,I am still not over my Dad being gone and I should be,its been a few years since Dad went to Heaven.So,why do I still miss Him soooooooooo much?I know we didn't have much of a father,daughter relationship,I didn't always tell Him I loved Him,I did,but,not everynight like I would tell my Mom.My Sister was close with Dad more than I was,I was close with my Mom.I know my Dad loved me,that I do know,He was a good Dad,provided for us,Mom and I would not be were we are today if it wasn't for my Dad.I just never thought,life would be so different,never thought that mom and I would had to move.Life changes right before your very own eyes,everyone goes through it.I am just sitting here thinking to myself,life has to be better than this,right?Why am I always so hard on myself?Is that it?I don't know how to relax,dont know how to have fun,how to let goand belive you and me,I want to let go,want to stop hanging onto the past.I hate it,I hate the way I am feeling,it has to stop,just don't know when it will stop.You all must think I am crazy.Is it all in my head?Sometimes I ant to be angry at my Dad for leaving,but,its not His falt,I was depressed before He died,just got worse after He died.Even thoe,my Sister and a lot of people think that I am not deressed,I am just lonely and yes,I am lonely,I don't have any friends,because,they are gone,well,I cany say that,I do have a girlfriend and my church family and you all,but,I don't have anyone to hang with,have fun with,laugh,I want that and I have been praying to God to bring someone like that in my life.There is someone at church who I thinkis the sweetest person and wants to have me over for a day at Her house,I just don't know how to let go and do that.Sometimes,I think,you don't deserve to have a life or have fun.But that is worng.I know I am here for a reason.Thank you all for listning,I am getting tired,so,going to head to bed.Be safe and warm out there.Peaceout.