Venting!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Everyone,hope you all is having a good day.I am trying,really hard to hang in there.all I want to do is sleep,sleep and sleep.thought,I was having a good day today,but,I am realy not.some days,I feel like sleeping and not waking up,today is one of them days,I will be ok.I wont harm myself in any way,because,my family needs me,my Mom needs me.But,I want to be needed.I want to be loved.I feel sooo hurt right now,not just by gary,but,I am scared to death,my Mom could die.I want my life back,I want my Dad back.I know I probllay said this in my last post.all I want is to have joy and peace in my life,with GOds help.Maybe I am scared to have Him tottlay in my life,but,I want that,I need Him.I want a friendship first with God,I know I need that more that anything.I have so much stress in my life that att imes,I cant take it.I want to scream,cry,let it all out.I know this is our new house now,but,I miss the old one,because of my Dad,because of all the memories in it,thats just it,they are memories now,good ones.Dont get me worng,I want to make good memories in this new house now.I need to let go of the past and move on.I try to stay busy,but,its hard,because,I want to sleep.Maybe thats the sign of moruging.Sorry,spelled that word worng.Wondering if things will ever get back to normal?I know,things are hard right now,not,just because,Mom is going through so much,having,Kidney Cancer,two,anurism,one in Her brain and stomach.but,its also hard because,we have no money yet,still waiting for Dads money,yes,I would rather have my Dad back more than anything in the world.I know this is still a time of grieving,how long,will it last?I am also hurting over Gary.It hurts.But,no one new,execpt for my family,not even myself,new,really how Gary was,yes,He was caring and lvoing,but there was also a not so good side of Him.I need to do things for myself now.I dont know how I am going to do that,but,I need to do that and Gary wouldnt let me.I fee like He was kinda smothering me,putting me down in ways,you dont know.I am not saying,He is this terrible guy.He needs help.Lord,knows,I probllay need help.LOL.Probllay need someone to talk to.It does help to come here and vent,even thoe,hardly anyone reads my Blog.I need advice on how to change my life,on how to make things better.I worry all the time about everything and I dont need to do that.I hate it!!!I dont want to worry anymore.I mean,I know,I worry about my Mom,yes.But,I need to let go,I need to be happy and have that joy in my life.I still just dont understand why Gary doesnt pick the phone up and ask how we are doing.Does He not even care?anyways,this is going to be short.I am tired and need a nap.Maybe I shouldnt have quit,but,it was the right thing at the right time.I will find a part time job,doing something,close to the house.I lvoe you all.Thanks for listning to me vent.be safe and warm out there.Peaceout.