WEDS HAPPENINGS!!!

Hi Everyone,I hope you all is doing good.well,can you belive the Holidays are here?It seems like every year hsa gone by so fast.I guess you are probllay wondering why I am writting another Entry?I felt the need to come here and get some things off my mind.Lately I been feeling depressed,I mean really depressed,I think I kinda know why and I been feeling pretty lonly.I dont know if you all noticed it or not.Maybe thats why I havent been slleping good.I know I have been on edge,feeling like cleaning everything,specillay in my room.I still hate the way it looks.Still dont know to orgnize,things they way they should be.I am tired and stressed out,from everything.I am going to be tottlay honest with you.Even thoe,I have a great Boyfriend,I am still lonly,He does so much for me and He loves me and I love Him.I hate the way I feel inside,I cant describ the feeling,but,horrible.Do I want to get married?Do I want kids?Maybe you all know the answer, and be honest with me.Because I dont know anymore.I guess I been kidding myself,I am not happy,with my life and I dont know how to get there.I want to be happy.No,I am not to the point were I would hurt myself.I just feel for once in my life,I am not happy,who am I kidding?I am not kidding anyone.On the outside,you see me as,smilying,happy,nothing can bother me.Not true.On the inside,tottlay,diffrent.I also been feeling lately,like,crying,for some reason,well,not for sme reason.I wish I had more in life.Maybe you all know why I am not happy,which,I am pretty sure I have mentioned before.My Boyfriend feels like a taxi cab.taking me everywere,if we were married,He would still have to do the same the thing,my Dad,feels like a Taxi Cab to.In some ways,I wish I knew how to drive.I think I would have been driving,if it wasnt for my Dad telling my Counslors at school,when I was in School,He said,He didnt think I was cable of driving,my Mom did.Right now,I would have been driving all over the place.But thats another dream that wont happend.How did my life get to this pont?Why,I am here on this earth?I love making other people,but,myself.I know,I do,feel,like I am in a rut and cant get out of it.Yes,I am greatful for so many things in my life.for my family,friends,Boyfriend and I get travel.But,why,am I still nit happy?Do you know,at night,I have to have things done in a certian way,always,right before I go to bed.You all,thinking,I am crazy,I think that this is it ,with my life,me,being 38,still living at home,going to work,comming home before 5,staying,home,watching tv.doing the same thing all over again.I just tired,feeling,I want to have fun and I dfont know what that is.I miss the things I used to do.I dont even talk on tyhe phone anymore.execpt tp say goodnight to my Boyfriend.My life really gets to me.I dont have anyone much to talk to.I think this is going to be a to be contiuded.I am getting tired.Will write more later.Oh yeah.one more thing,I will say.Rememnber that person I was talking about,that we didnt get along and Shes married to my Brother?Well,Shes in on my FB and I didnt even invited Her,which was nice.I also have to tall you,that my Ex is on Hers anow mine,I havent told Gary yet,what do you think I should do?I think Hes trying to get back together with me and I told Him,I am taken,I already have someone I love.Anywaylbe safe and warm out there.Peaceout.